Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.