I think about this a lot
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Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.