Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

🤫

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?