Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

Mapping America’s Far Right

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it