It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
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Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
My time has come.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head