No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
You Might Also Like
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
here we go again
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”