Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]