Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
You Might Also Like
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I am patiently waiting for your email
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Genius.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Boy never ceases to amaze me
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.