I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
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Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.