Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
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I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Meow
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”