My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
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“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP