Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
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Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?