me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
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ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
“Why you watching this shit?”
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.