Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!