Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.

Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.

Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.