Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
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[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
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