Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
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“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes