Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

Ion see the issue

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”