Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

Good morning y’all ☀️

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM