14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
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@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
stop
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Boy never ceases to amaze me
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Body by cheese-puffs.