Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
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Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.