You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
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Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
My dream car is a taco truck.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
They did not miss in the small print
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura