Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not