It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
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*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
is it too early for christmas memes
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.