My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
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Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?