Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
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New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.