i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
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Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower