yeah not falling for this one
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Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.