Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

I’ve had relationships like this

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.