Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
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Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.