Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.