Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

I really had high hopes for this year though

Harsh but fair

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs