Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea