” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
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Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
it was a valiant fight
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.