Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
About to form my very first opinion
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
