her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
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This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*