I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
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[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Livid.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
no cat here
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.