20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
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One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
when there are deer in the woods
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.