Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

Thaw me like one of your french fries

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

Whoa 😂