The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
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HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.