You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
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HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
i made a craigslist ad !
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I am a gravy boat captain
Tell the colonel to bring it
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.