Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

Meeeee too!

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them