Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
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[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.