Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child