peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
A friend sent me this.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day