Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
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Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
No, he would not have.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?