Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
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My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.