me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
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she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
A Monday every week is excessive
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
