Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.