Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?

Me: Well how much does the position pay?

Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays

Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?

Boss: Then we won’t hire you

Me: What if I underestimate?

Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.